Today, we’re going to explore anxious attachment style in intimate relationships. Before we dive in, let’s make two points clear:

First, these psychological concepts are just theoretical and may not perfectly fit every individual. People can exhibit different traits at different stages of their lives, and it’s not a fixed characteristic. So, let’s not jump to conclusions too quickly.

Second, attachment theory focuses on intimate relationships where both parties acknowledge the relationship as intimate, not one-sided. If the other person clearly doesn’t care, don’t fool yourself into thinking they’re just anxious or avoidant. To determine if someone truly loves you, check out my previous articles, “How to Tell If It’s True Love” and “What’s the Difference Between Liking and Loving?”

Psychologists categorize people’s behavior in intimate relationships into three styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant (some categorize into four types, but we’ll stick with three). Here’s how each style plays out in romantic relationships:

About half of people are securely attached, balancing dependence on their partner with rational thinking, making them the most likely to have healthy relationships.

Avoidants prioritize independence, hesitate to trust others, and find it hard to fully commit or share their emotions. They might avoid intimacy, dislike sharing their feelings, and may even reject their partner’s attempts to communicate during conflicts.

Anxious attachment style is the most insecure type. Statistics show that over 10% of people exhibit anxious traits at some point in their lives.

At its core, anxiety stems from the fear of being abandoned. This fear leads to excessive emotional dependence, possessiveness, and control issues, often making their partner feel drained, pressured, and trapped.

Here are common traits of anxious attachment style:

1. Excessive dependence: Needing constant reassurance, fearing abandonment, and feeling uneasy when not in frequent contact. They might interrogate their partner about their whereabouts, activities, and interactions.

2. Suspicious thinking: Overanalyzing their partner’s responses, wondering if they care, and reading between the lines. “Did they reply slowly? Are they busy or just not interested in me?”

3. Hypersensitivity: Overreacting to criticism or rejection, often assuming the worst about their partner’s intentions. A simple phrase can be misinterpreted as a sign of disinterest.

4. Lack of self-confidence: Constantly seeking reassurance, yet doubting their partner’s love and commitment. They might believe that one mistake will lead to the end of the relationship.

5. Over-the-top sacrifices: Willing to give up their own needs and desires to please their partner, expecting equal reciprocation. “I’m doing so much for you; why can’t you do the same for me?”

Now, let’s explore how to overcome anxious attachment style:

1. Stop overthinking and focus on facts: When your partner doesn’t respond, imagine them busy with work or having phone issues. Trust that they care, and remember that you can’t control others’ thoughts.

2. Focus on your partner’s good deeds: Record all the nice things your partner does for you, and reflect on them when you feel doubts. This helps you realize their love and strengthens your faith in the relationship.

3. Learn to manage your emotions: Share your feelings with your partner, but don’t rely solely on them to solve your emotional issues. Become more self-aware and develop emotional independence.

4. Shift your attention: Widen your focus, cultivate independent interests, and engage in hobbies. When you’re not overwhelmed, you’ll become more self-confident.

5. Understand your partner’s love language: Realize that people express love differently, and adjust your expectations. Communicate openly about your needs, but avoid being overly demanding.

If, after all your efforts, you still don’t feel secure in the relationship, it might be time to reevaluate. Don’t stay in an unhappy relationship just to avoid being single. Remember, your youth is precious, and it’s okay to walk away.